I'll Be Home At Midnight
I have a good friend who is a doctor. A great guy but with one minor flaw: he never tells the truth.
One weekend we went to play tennis at a resort about a hour from my house. We played doubles together until 1:00PM then took a break for lunch and finished up the double matches at around 5:00PM. At this time, he went to go swimming while I played a singles match. Since my wife could not get a hold of me because I was playing tennis, she called my doctor friend. She inquired: "When is my husband going to be home? " He responded by saying "Midnight." Since it was only 6:00PM at the time and we were only an hour away, she thought he was joking (lying).
Well, after his swim and my match, we went to a friends house to have dinner and socialize. We left at 11:00PM and I arrived home at exactly 12:01AM. I entered the house and tried to open my bedroom door and to my surprise it was locked. I asked: (through the door), "Why is the door locked?" My wife said: "Well the doctor said you would be home at midnight". I responded, "Well it is midnight, here I am". She said: "But he never tells the truth, so I did not believe him. So you're in trouble."
I called the doctor and had him talk to my wife. He told her he wanted to start to 'diversify' lately and decided (to my detriment) to tell the truth once in a while. After their chat, she finally opened up the door.
Please Close The Door (What Door?)
A few years ago I took the family to the Everglades Seafood Festival in Everglades City, Florida. It is held once a year during the first weekend of February. The food was terrific, the weather cooperated, and air boat ride was spectacular. The last thing to do was go on a helicopter ride - the real thing not a kid's ride.
My daughter was too young to go by herself so I volunteered to accompany her on the ride. I am afraid of heights but as long as I am in an enclosed transport, I am fine. The pilot sat all the way to the right, my daughter was in the middle and I sat all the way to the left. When I got into the whirlybird, I buckled myself in and attempted to close the door. Heck, airplanes have doors so must a helicopter. Gong! Wrong answer. The pilot tells me there is no door as we went skyward 100,000 feet into the air.
I have never been more scared in my life. It's a good thing the ride lasted only 15 minutes. No more air rides for me, thank you.
I Really Wanted To Play B-Ball
It was Sunday morning. Yet another boring lecture from Rabbi Greenblatt. Believe it or not, we had a basketball court within the Temple. I could not take it any more. I wanted to play. However, it was only 9:30AM and the class did not end until 11:00AM.
What a dilemma. How do I get out of that class to go play? I looked around. Ah, the window had a pull cord attached to the venetian blind. That was it. I wrapped the cord around my neck and pulled on the string. My whole body rose as I literally hung myself. My face turned a bright red. I started to make a 'strangling noise'.
The Rabbi had little tolerance for this type of shenanigans. He gave one of those 'you're out of here' statements you hear on the baseball field from a professional umpire. Soon thereafter, I was playing H-O-R-S-E with a good friend who had played hooky from the class.