Today fear is rampant in all areas of our lives. There are many ways we seek safe harbor, a place to feel protected and cared for. Many turn to relationships for this comfort. Then, an odd thing happens, the relationship itself causes fear. What makes this happen? How do we build fearless relationships, based on courage and good will?
It has been said that there are only two emotions: love and fear. For some of us, oddly, love is frightening, while fear feels safe. We think fear will warn us of danger.. We are taught it can be dangerous to be trusting; love can make us weak. Then it's a simple step to distrust our partners, our feelings and ourselves. But this is simply the work of fear, creating confusion and lies..
It is fear that cannot be trusted; fear is a liar that undermines our basic sense of confidence, clarity and good will. It makes us prey to those who wish to control or attack us in various ways. Self-hatred, one of the main afflictions this country, is fueled by fear. The original love of life, curiosity, playfulness and joy that we are born with is wiped away.
There is no place where fear manifests more directly than in relationships, where we naturally become vulnerable and afraid of rejection or loss. It is, therefore, of the utmost importance to learn and practice the principles of fearless relationships, and learn how to dissolve fear on the spot. As we do so, we naturally discover where to put our trust, and become strong and safe. In this process, we are actually learning what it means to truly love.
One of the most common causes of fear in relationships is the fear of rejection, of not being good enough, or able to satisfy our partners or ourselves. We twist and turn ourselves into a pretzel, become someone we aren't to get the love and acceptance we crave. However, this craving is a drug, the more we get, the more we want, and ultimately, the emptier we become. But it is only the false self that demands this, the self fueled by fear. The truth is that you can never change enough or do enough to "make" someone love you. This is only the voice of fear turning the truth upside down.
No matter how much praise the false self receives, it never feels really approved of or loved. By its very nature, the false self is skiddish, fearful and ungrounded. It constantly craves more and feels threatened regularly. The false self eats too much, makes wrong choices and refuses to face reality. When two false selves join together for a love relationship, sooner or later, they begin to wonder what is going wrong.
Although we spend much of our energy building the false self, we do not realize that who we are is intrinsically perfect, lovable and complete. If we turn to a relationship to validate or complete ourselves, we are bound to suffer. No matter how many times Amy's boyfriend told her he loved her, she didn't believe it. She needed to hear it again and again. "Why do you love me?" she kept asking. Of course this became exhausting for her boyfriend, who, feeling drained, ultimately left. Why would we keep doing this? Because we have no idea how magnificent we truly are.
When learning how to build fearless relationship a first step is to use your relationship as a teacher to find out who you really are. Discover the difference between real and counterfeit love. Learn the basic principles of peace of mind, absorb these principles, and practice them day by day.