Policeman: The signs all say, "Speed limit, 15 miles an hour."
Motorist: But officer, how could I read them when I was going over 50?

Custom Inspector: What have you to declare?
Traveler: I declare I'm glad to get back home.

Johnny: I am on my way to visit my out laws.
Friend: You mean your in-laws, don't you?
Johnny: No. Outlaws. They're a bunch of bandits.

Judge: The charges against you are that you ran over this man, and also speeding.
Motorist: Yes, your Honour - I was hurrying to get over him.

Judge: The last time I saw you, I told you that I didn't want to see you here again!
Prisoner: That's what I tried to tell these policemen, your Honour, but they wouldn't believe me.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated and is suing them for wasting seven years of his life.