A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

The only people who still make house calls are the burglars.

A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

They put me in jail because I was making big money - about an inch too big.

He was arrested for picking his way through the crowd - a pocket at a time.

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check -- a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

Judge: Did you strike the man in the excitement?
Criminal: No, Judge. I struck him in the stomach.

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of puling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.

Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Crime doesn't pay unless, of course, you do it well.

I know a burglar who is so successful, he stopped making house calls.

A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled -- leaving his wallet on the counter.

Lawyer: Please tell the court why you stabbed your husband 38 times.
Defendant: I didn't know how to turn off the electric knife.