Judge: Gentlement of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Jury: We have. We find the man who stole the car not guilty!


Judge: Not guilty of bigamy. You may go home.
Henry: Thank you, Judge. Which one?


Lawyer: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Okay?
Lawyer: What school do you go to?
Gary: Oral.
Lawyer: How old are you?
Gary: Oral.


Judge: Have you anything to offer to the court before sentence is passed?
Defendant: No, Judge. I had ten dollars but my lawyer took that.


The judge gave me 200 years. It's lucky I didn't get life.


Judge: Guilty. Ten days or thirty dollars.
Defendant: I'll take the thirty dollars, Judge!


Of course I didn't stop when the policeman waved at me. Your Honor, I am not that kind of girl.


Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Jenny: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Jenny: None.
Lawyer: Were there girls?


He thought a suspended sentence was a man hanging by the rope on the gallows.


Lawyer: Can you see him from where you are standing?
Witness: I can see his head.
Lawyer: And where is his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.


Judge: This is the fifth time you've appeared before me. I fine you twenty dollars.
Defendant: Your Honor, don't I get a discount for being a steady customer?


Judge: Order!!! Order in the Court!!!
Prisoner: Ham and cheese on rye, please.


Judge: Young man, you are accused of stealing a petticoat.
Defendant: Your Honor, it was my first slip!


Prisoner: All I want is justice!!!
Judge: I'd like to help you, but all I can give you is ten years.


Lawyer: Didn't the burglar wake you up?
Witness: No, he took things very quietly.


"Guilty or not guilty?"
"What else have you got?"


Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge, "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."


Judge: I must charge you for murder.
Criminal: All right. What do I owe you?


"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.


A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"


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