Lawyer: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Okay?
Lawyer: What school do you go to?
Gary: Oral.
Lawyer: How old are you?
Gary: Oral.

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Jenny: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Jenny: None.
Lawyer: Were there girls?

Lawyer: Can you see him from where you are standing?
Witness: I can see his head.
Lawyer: And where is his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.

Judge: Order!!! Order in the Court!!!
Prisoner: Ham and cheese on rye, please.

Prisoner: All I want is justice!!!
Judge: I'd like to help you, but all I can give you is ten years.

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge, "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

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