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Divorce - Custody of children, alimony and joint assets

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asked on Mar 27, 2015 at 23:09
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My wife and I have been separated for 10 years but never divorced. She had an affair with her rich married colleague and left the house after I found out about her affair. We have 3 sons, and all them are in their early teens (12-15 years old) now.

The house my sons, me and her parents are staying in now is registered under my name, her name and one of her parent's name. Her parent only paid for the downpayment for the house, and I have been the one who had been servicing the bank loan all these years alone, and there is another 15 more years to go to fully settle the loan. However, she is now requesting that I pay her half the amount of the valuation of the house in order for her to transfer the house ownership to be solely under my name, as well as to proceed with our divorce. Her divorce terms have not been stated yet, but she wants the custody of our 3 sons.

My question is, what are my options for:
1) Should I initiate the divorce based on her adultery, or should I wait for her to initiate the divorce? I do not have any solid evidence of her adultery.

2) I want the custody of my 3 sons, and they are also on my side as their mother was never really there for them since young. As I need to work in the day, my 3 sons are taken care of by my wife's mother, whom is still staying with my sons and I together in the house. I have been providing for the entire family, including her parents during this period of our separation.

3) How will the house and other assets be allocated should we file for a divorce since it is under my name, her name and her parent's name. Will I only get half, 1/3 or maybe even lesser of the house and assets, if any? What are considered assets that will need to be split?

4) I do not agree with her unreasonable request to pay her half the amount of the valuation of the house to buy out her name and her parent's name in the ownership of the house, as I was the only one who had been servicing the bank loan all these years. Besides, I do not have the ability to pay her the lump sum, and would have to re-finance my housing loan all over again and extend the repayment period. I am however, willing to pay the downpayment sum her parent paid + interest. But she is not agreeable to my request. Will I stand a better chance if we have a contested divorce?

5) Will I need to pay her alimony after our divorce? She is currently working and is still in a relationship with her married colleague. Doubt she will ever get married again. Does this mean I will have to pay her alimony for life?

6) Is there anywhere I can seek help?

Any advise is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!

-Troubled Man
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answered on Mar 28, 2015 at 00:42
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Curious Q..??
1/ Why are you still staying in that house? Waiting for her to change her mind and go back to you?

2/ What trigger off her suggestion to get a divorce now? The whole affair can carry on forever as "they" may not have the intention to marry.. How old is yr ex to be now? Is she waiting eagerly for the other spouse to leave this world coz of "bad health"? Is she pregnant now(yr ex)?

3/ The housing loan.. under whose name or names? Dont understand why you are staying in a house which is not totally yours..

4/ This conditional offer of divorce.. feel that she is playing a game of "chess" with you. Well let's checkmate HER together.. Again she may have the advice from her "lowyers".. No worry, can kick them and stab them in the back..

5/ How is her income compared to yours? She may end up paying you alimony if she file for divorce. SO.. YOU DO NOT FILE FOR DIVORCE..!! Let her file and you contest. Say goodbye to this house and leave with a happy heart.. You may get less then 1/3 even you are paying all the instalments.

6/ Her offer of 50% is GOOD. Counter offer, she pay you 50% and you would leave immediately. My crazy calc is that you have only about 20% "interests" in that property.. will show you later.. You are just a paying Lodger... And you should pay more to expenses as you have 3 sons living in this house..

she wants the custody of our 3 sons
If you do things from now onwards legally and properly.. she gets NO CHILD, NO ALIMONY.. plus maybe pays you child maintenances. But the house.. forget it.. get something back and start life afresh..
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answered on Mar 28, 2015 at 03:07
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Hi justice4fathernchild, I really appreciate your reply! Thank you so much! My answers to your questions are as below:

Curious Q..??
1/ Why are you still staying in that house? Waiting for her to change her mind and go back to you?

A1: I wanted a roof for my sons, and was just contented as long as there was no big storm. For after all, I needed someone to care for my sons while I worked, and her mother was OK with the arrangements of staying at home to help take care of my sons since they were still very young when she started the affair. I didn't really put a thought to what the future would be like with my decision back then.

2/ What trigger off her suggestion to get a divorce now? The whole affair can carry on forever as "they" may not have the intention to marry.. How old is yr ex to be now? Is she waiting eagerly for the other spouse to leave this world coz of "bad health"? Is she pregnant now(yr ex)?

A2: She is in her early forties. Not pregnant. Not sure if the other spouse is in bad health or not. Don't know if the other spouse knows anything about the affair or not. The trigger should be most likely because of the house and her father (Her father and I had some issues), and probably she just wanted to make my life difficult, as she knows I would not be able to afford to pay the 50% to her.

3/ The housing loan.. under whose name or names? Dont understand why you are staying in a house which is not totally yours..

A3: Under her name and mine. As mentioned, I thought I just didn't want more trouble and so long as my sons had a roof and could continue with their education while I make ends meet with her mother taking care of them. Guess I just never planned well in advance back then...

4/ This conditional offer of
divorce.. feel that she is playing a game of "chess" with you. Well let's checkmate HER together.. Again she may have the advice from her "lowyers".. No worry, can kick them and stab them in the back..

A4: I am trying to seek a lawyer's opinion first and see what my first move should be.

5/ How is her income compared to yours? She may end up paying you alimony if she file for divorce. SO.. YOU DO NOT FILE FOR DIVORCE..!! Let her file and you contest. Say goodbye to this house and leave with a happy heart.. You may get less then 1/3 even you are paying all the instalments.

A5: I really have no idea how much her income is, as I never bothered to check or spy on her. I was more concerned about making ends meet and providing for my sons. She said she will file. But I am not sure if it is just an empty threat or what. What if her lawyer advise her not to file for divorce, and wait for me to file instead? For after all, her affair can continue no whether divorced or not. What are my options?

6/ Her offer of 50% is GOOD. Counter offer, she pay you 50% and you would leave immediately. My crazy calc is that you have only about 20% "interests" in that property.. will show you later.. You are just a paying Lodger... And you should pay more to expenses as you have 3 sons living in this house..

I was already thinking of counter offering, and prepared to take the money and leave. But should I engage a lawyer first, or should I just counter offer her verbally in private? What can I do to better safeguard myself and my sons' interests?

she wants the custody of our 3 sons
If you do things from now onwards legally and properly.. she gets NO CHILD, NO ALIMONY.. plus maybe pays you child maintenances. But the house.. forget it.. get something back and start life afresh..

I am prepared to start life afresh with my sons. But from all the horror stories I see online, seems like it is difficult for the court to award custody to the father?
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answered on Mar 28, 2015 at 04:11
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But from all the horror stories I see online, seems like it is difficult for the court to award custody to the father?
F_uck those horror stories.. Some were written by lowyers to get more value on their fees. Some were really bad fathers, some incompetent fathers. Are you one of them?

Use Logic..
NO.1 Your sons were with you most the time.

NO.2 Yours are 12-15years old. Even if my ex wife were to stop my now 10yr old from seeing me, he would call a cab.

NO.3 The legal custody exist till age 18, after that it is the children perogative to be with which parent. Let her have custody.. she die of heart attack faster and younger. She is in bliss with her lover, and left the 3 children with you, think she wants them now? There are ppl, both male and female, who has no emotions towards their child.. regards them as just baggage. Unlike ppl like you and me (my ex pun), we would kill to protect our children.

NO.4 Ppl could have taught her to fight for custody to gain mileage and to get the house plus playing on your emotions. Just emotional tactics. Be strong.. and see who get slaughtered in the divorce courtroom?

No.5 Tired, sleepy, calm down.. talk tmrw.. now you have options..

Let her file. You do not need a lawyer to represent yourself in court. Lowyers fees kills.. and some are doubled/triple headed.. worse the MEDUSA... bleeds your blood money dry..
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answered on Apr 7, 2015 at 17:42
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I am still waiting for her to file, but she is now asking for the photocopies of my children's IC. She says it is necessary for the preparation of the divorce papers. But my question is, do I have the right to deny her the photocopies of my children's IC? Does she really need the photocopies of the ICs to file for divorce? I believe she needs them to fight for my children's custody...

Thank you.
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answered on Apr 7, 2015 at 18:15
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She can even walk into your bedroom and ransack your room.. Got it..?? Btw you are only 1/3 owner..

Quick.. Quick.. give and let her file and end your misery..

The moment you receive the papers, please do not react badly.. post here to discuss the next step.. her lowyer sure write heaps of rotten and stinking rubbish.. Once you get agitated, you may loose your sense of direction and may become sure loser in the custody for your children.. Be calm. What will be, will be.. what will happen, will happen..
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answered on Apr 7, 2015 at 19:45
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Hi Jeff, I was just wondering if it is a must to get the documents to file for divorce on her part...
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answered on Apr 7, 2015 at 20:48
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Yes
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answered on Apr 7, 2015 at 20:58
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You must give copies to her.

She can also file for you to provide her any other details, hidden bank accounts, etc, etc your epf statements, tax files... you can do so to her too..

If you dont provide copies of children ic, you may get a lot of minus points from the Divorce Judge. When she file an application for her children docs in court saying you refuse to give her.. answer why in front of the whole court full of ppl..
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answered on Apr 7, 2015 at 21:09
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Hi Jeff, thanks so much for your help.
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answered on Apr 7, 2015 at 21:15
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I was just wondering if it is a must to get the documents to file for divorce on her part...

Sori, the correct reply should be..

To file for divorce, only your name and hers is essentially required.. But eventually, ALL docs must be produced in court. ICs, marriage cert, bank acs,statements of accounts pertaining to the marriage..
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