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threatened. leave or not

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asked on Mar 18, 2015 at 03:44
by   bimbap
I am a frequently abuse victim by mu husband.  The last time stopped when police visited him. Then I chose to forgive and back to him. Then he stopped abusing but turned into using words to abuse and threaten to kill me. So I made another police report. Since then, no more threatening me. But everytime argue .. he will ask me to leave and he ask for divorce. But I dint leave the house as see in few days later if he is seriously then I will move out .. or maybe he just angry. Usually after one day he will treat me very good after he ask me leave but I dont. Time passed and now he thought I wont leave him . So he used this advantage everytime we argue or he is in bad mood. And I started to feel 'what am I' The kind of feeling. I stayed because I think because I think of my children and maybe he just cant think logically at the moment. But advantage taken and I dont feel the value in my self because he is using those threat that frequent and more in bad wag especially infront of my 2children.  then he will tell mychildren that 'we go find new mummy for you all ok' . He knows I wont say anything and keep quiet each time his hormone visit him.

here I would like to know, if happen soon he get crazy and treathen with divorce words and ask me leave,  what should I do .
1) leave immediately with children?
2) leave immediately without bring children?
3) leave next day with children along?
4) leave next day without children and leave children with him?
5) leave with or without children will be good to me during divorce process and how likely judge will give custody to?
6) I got consider before leave without children first because I havent settle down to get place to stay and find more money and etc. Then after setlle and get lawyer to start divorce procedure then get back my children custody.  Advise. I scare if I do this.. I will lost my custody and my rights later such as alimony and children maintenance.

If I continue stay like this, I already lost my value .. I afraid these situation will weaken me in future and caused low self esteem .

Tq
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answered on Mar 18, 2015 at 05:25
by   Justice4child
But advantage taken and I dont feel the value in my self because he is using those threat that frequent and more in bad wag especially infront of my 2 children
How old are the children? Schooling?

A marriage is very unstable when 2 police reports have been made. Even on his deathbed, this topic will still resurrect..!!

From what you have written, you have made up your mind to leave. Do plan carefully before you actually shift off. He is verbal abusing you until you tak bolih tahan and leave on your own accord. You could be playing into his "mind" games.. Life as a single parent is never a bed of roses as my ex has found out..

Are you working..?? Stablise yourself before making a final judgement..

If what you conclude that his hormones is playing up, it would be advisable to take only 1 child with you. If you take 2 at the same time, a big fight is sure to come with no peace during the transitional period and even after divorce. Police cannot do much after a divorce. There are a hundred ways to harress and intimidate an ex spouse if the man is very emotional type. Your life and the children can be very miserable. Try to believe me coz I am a male..!!

Try other ways to resolve this poor relationship/marriage without going through a divorce. The children is definitely the biggest losers and sure losers.

Never put much hope on alimony and child maintenance. Most cases the hubby would abscond when he starts a new family, unless he is a very rich Laduk..!!

How old is the father? Normally a male period starts after 40.. Is he in permanent or self employment?
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answered on Mar 18, 2015 at 15:17
by   bimbap
Dear justice4child,

My elder son is 10 years old, younger son is 4 years old. both schooling.
Actually is total of 5 police reports.

About the verb abuse, I guess seldom will have people can keep quiet for long after kept hearing the father keep telling the children lets go find new mummy/you go eat ####/you are a dog you know?/you hungry? Go eat dog food(when he is not coming home for dinner without informing so I can buy food) /go jump off building you go to die better and etc. I swear, I just keep quiet. Not sure if I deserve better or its life, most husband is like that? I really not sure.

I know life as a single parents is not easy. I planned my financial properly one year ago .. if I move out my expensave are:
both son studies+day care after school =rm1800 (most minimum exclude tuition) which I am currently paying.
place to stay rm1100 ( a studio ) because a master bedroom now for rent also is rm700 and not safe for children living with unknown.
Car rm720
My salary is rm4000 fixed. After epf socso, I couldnt afford for food, petrol, children expensave , medical, insurance , electric, phone bill and etc .
Salary of rm4000 looks good on other people, but honestly.. as per above.. I dont see any value in the rm4000 for a family living outside.

I got no friend place to stay as my husband cut off my contacts with them create alot games in between before until my friends are scare of him . My parents are separate and struggling living on their own too. So nobody can help me.

My husband refuse to pay for my son school as he said I did not pay for the house installment.  Before he bought this new million ringgit house, he already know I could not afford to pay with my salary. But with his 16k salary he could afFord. With various expensive sports and hobbies. While me, every month end struggling to survive with rm100-200 every last week of the month. Wuth no life, no activities.I convince myself, ya this is a mother's life, its ok. I put money on my children its worth ok. But after few days, he spent on clothes and tuxedo only rm1500 ( he dont wear even until today..uts been almost 7 months already, he just buy for .. he like) I feel my life upsidedown and my convince past few days dont works. Still , I say nothing.  Because I dont wan to hear any threaten or being beat up.

I contacted LAWA at MCA and WAO for advise after the sarjan also said, the thing im facing now is financial and place to stay, sarjan wants to arrest him. But due to my high commitment, she ask me to contact these 2 department.  After contacted wao n lawa (mca), same thing being advise is financial as they couldn't help me also.
1) My salary exceeded to get gov legal aid.
2) rm4000 as aboveexpanseave I couldnt afford to get a lawyer outside. She advise me go take bank loan. Even I take bank loan I dont know use what to repay.
3) she ask me to go magistrate court apply for wife and children maintenance fee, but if I apply .. he will go mad. End up also divorce.
4) wao and lawa . Couldnt help in the end. Ask me just stay . If abuse again go report again only. Already 5 reports, how many more I want to make?
Then a lady said, it was her offwork time, need end conversation already.

Yes I am working, but due to insufficient financial support, my 1st post that I planned to leave without children and get a place to stay and find more money later I go aplly divorce and take back them. Afraid will children will be brainwash and refuse to give me back or I lost custody.

ofcuz I know very clearly children are the worst victim in such situation. Thats is why I dint leave even when he threathen to divorce and ask me leave. I alsk afraid if he angry say such word and I leave, I am the one who caused my children misery. Then he thought of this advantage .

he is 39 this year workingcooperaterperate company earning 16k monthly . Living in millions value home. Lavish hobbies and lifestyle. 

I swear, my life is work everyday, get salary, pay all needed stuffs, the last week of the month left 100 or 200 to survive until get another salary for the next month. And repeat the whole process. Its been 1 years already since I last shop for dress for myself.

Sometimes I wonder, why.
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answered on Mar 18, 2015 at 16:39
by   Justice4child
Wow.. a fairy tale marriage turned upside down.

The above posting made by you is not the only best solution. Will post more later.

You have a lot of more financial benefits to come if you plan properly. Forget WAO.. There are idoits over there..

My only real advice is to take the 4 year old old. I only advocate the taking on 1 out of 2 children. Reasons I shall post later.

It is your security and peace of mind since he is a 16K guy.

You two is still staying together in the same place? Or he also lives at the 1M house? Let him continue, he has to sell it eventually. When did he buy it? Single name? Do you have any property or other assets under your own name.

Read:-  @2014 for ideas

.. http://www.lawyerment.com.my/boards/article-Malaysia_Marriage_Divorce_Law-1293.htm

Dont worry, you will get custody of your children and a little bit of wife maintenance and children living expenses, a little bit matrimonial assets plus a peaceful living in the future if YOU PLAN CAREFULLY NOW. Do not just rely on lowyers alone.. they make things worse and sour any balance of peace.!!
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answered on Mar 19, 2015 at 04:23
by   justice4fathers
..

..@ bimbap

I do not advocate divorce. If living conditions is so unbearable, I would suggest shifting out with your 4 year old child (with husband agreement? in B&W) to cool down for both parties. Try to shift to your parents house temporary to avoid "rumours". DO NOT DIVORCE.

I suspect he MAY have consulted Legal ppl, and is trying to "force" you to divorce him.

A important point to note that your son is 10years old. He knows who is at fault. So no worry, he would make his father life miserable if you shift out to cool down(not divorce).

A 10year old child can remember a parent for life.

A 4year old child can forget the other parent in a matter of years, even months..

Do not picture yourself as an abused victim, rather the bad luck to have a Abusive Spouse. There are always good and bad spouses in this world..

Do take note that spouses can never be physically evicted from the marital house. It is against the law..
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answered on Mar 19, 2015 at 04:33
by   justice4fathers
The next time he threatened to divorce you and ask you to leave..

Take out a piece of A4 paper and ask him to write it out in words, sign it and thumbprint it if possible in real blood if he is "so fedup" of this marriage. DO NOT SHIFT OUT UNDER VERBAL THREATS..!!
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answered on May 7, 2015 at 04:52
by   bimbap
Hi justice for child,
Sorry I have been missing until now to reply.

Its been almost 6 months I left with rm100 by the 3rd week of each month and I have to borrow money from else where to survive until now im in debt of almost rm3500-for 6 months (this amount of money is use for food packing on weekdays gor everyone in the family and groceries). Not shopping I swear. Until last 2 days my heart started feeling very pain until my back bone. I couldn't sleep for 2 nights. Im over stress and tired With my financial. Yesterday night I tried talk to him that Im suffering with my financial To help him. He said he is enough of helping me to pay for the house. He got no more cash. But I found out 1 week before he just spent almost rm400 for his smart phone online games to speed up level up. One month once. I just wonder if he can contribute thus rm400 for my children school indeed helps me alot. Each week once he went for golf or twice a week. Dpending on gardening flowers about rm1000 a month. He has almost 50 pots of the expensive flowers in the house. I really do not understand what is his no cash with my no cash situation.  To be clear, im did not never contribute to the house. I paid electric bills where he on aircon almost 24 hours on weekend, dinners for all on weekdays sometimes weekend, children school fees why cant one person pay one child instead me pay all?

As your questions before:
1) yes we are still staying together
2) house just bought less than a year. I dont think can sell
3) house joint name
4) I do not have any own property except for this house. I couldn't even afford to have my own property.  While him, I do not know if he have any other property or not. I do not know how I can check.
5) why you would assume he will sell of his house? His 16k salary he definitely can afford to pay the house with no problem. Just curious.
6) how much would roughly be for the alimony and maintenance I can get? I bet he will add in tons of reason to tell the judge he has big house to repay loan and others commitment to add in To make him sound he couldn't afford to pay me maintenance.

Lastly, justice4child .. for your info .. a month ago .. we had arguement, then he ask me to leave so that he do not need to spend money on me. Im so sad because he said this to make him feel he is contributing on me but did not happen as what he said. I pay almost evrryone my own. ad before mentioned. I do not know why he wants to say that To make me angry. And I said, maybe I request for wife maintenance you will know you should do your part as a husband too. And I regret to say that word becuase reminded him something and he thinks if way to avoid it to happen. So happen one week later he was bathing and his phone is beeping, I saw the whatsaap notification with a quick note on top of the screen written if he can make me leave by myself, he can dont want to pay me maintance. Becuase is your wife leave the house. From that on until today, he going clubs , pubs,  hanging flower places in cheras, I know it's to make me angry and leave by myself. Make me poorer this month. Today is 6th may. I left rm200 only to survive. Please tell me what to do.

I believe now he wont write in black n white that he wants me leave. But one thing, I did manage to record the arguement 1 month ago that he said he ask me to leave so he can not contribute on me, he can have easy life. I start recording because he used to say one thing to me. And turn around telling other people he is suffering becuase he paid children fees and household But indeed it is me paying these.

My parents are divorce and not stable place of staying. If anytime im kicked out or cannot stand and leave,  I know I will have to go to any economic hotel to stay for few nights before manage to rent a place from agents. Worst is I dont have money to do so.

Im feeling at very dead end now. Please scould me if anyone thinks im wrong or else please advise. I could think and plan months back. But now I could not think of anything. I cant even breathe properly.
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answered on May 7, 2015 at 04:59
by   bimbap
I felt now he wants both kids be with him. So hebdo not need to pay child maintenance to me. As for if I leave the housE, he can say I left so he do not need to pay alimony. Or im am working, he do not need to pay since the both kids is with him.

Unless the abuse reports able to support and it will be very complicated since he will thinks of many way.

Why people who has better income win, while no money one cant do anything?
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answered on May 7, 2015 at 06:49
by   Justice4Child
I felt now he wants both kids be with him. So hebdo not need to pay child maintenance to me. As for if I leave the housE, he can say I left so he do not need to pay alimony. Or im am working, he do not need to pay since the both kids is with him.
Family Divorce Court Laws do not work that way. Dont worry.

Unless the abuse reports able to support and it will be very complicated since he will thinks of many way.
The reports only indicates breakdown of marriage and MAY gain some "extra" mileage for alimony.

people who has better income win, while no MONEY one cant do anything?
Inaccurate.

Keep calm..
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answered on May 7, 2015 at 21:22
by   justice4fathers
@ bimbap

You have so many issues even the relevant authorities cannot help
1/ PDRM
2/ MCA
3/ WAO
4/ Legal Aid Centres
5/ Parents

Why cant they help? Because your requirements exceed all limits..

In Kuala Lumpur a family of 4 (2+2) can survive on RM1,800..  you and 1 child cannot? You can come to a "Refugee" status soon, you still expect luxury?

Your Expectations
1/ Live in studio 1,100
2/ Children expenses for 2 exclude tuition 1,800
3/ Drive car 720 per month instal.. Petrol/Parking/Toll/Car maintenances/Road Tax/Insurance?
4/ Food/Medical/Clothings/Household expenses .?????.
5/ Alimony and child maintenances to tide you over? After 2,3years you may get nothing..!!

Please try to wake up , dear young girl, you are living in a real nasty world..!!
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answered on May 8, 2015 at 01:46
by   bimbap
Hi,

First of all im not.living in luxury. If I have the chance to live in luxury, why would I suffering? The luxury house is bought by my husband. I cant even afford to buy and pay loan repayment for an apartment.

As for your questions:
Pdrm : end the end is all about money.  He go jail, I no place to stay, who help me on childrens. Pdrm can help to issue to court for me for divorce But I need to pay the lawyer fees. My salary did exceed their limitations.  As I frustrated before in earlier post. Rm4k gross basic look good, but not in current living in KL. please tell me how can I manage my financial as per below:
Rm4000-epf-socso-pcb
Net rm3500
Car rm720
2 children school rm1800
Electric bill rm300
Medical insurance rm300
*these commitment cannot dont pay
Lefrm380
Phone bill? Petrol? Breakfast lunch dinner? Toll? Parking(Rm150)?

Can you make it?

If justice4fathernchild did properly my problem, you wont ask like this again. To use luxury life are fnem me or my husband. Sorry no offend. Becuase I am indeed feeling very lost and frustrated. I do need a proper advise share by men and women as both men and women have different thinking.

I did also wonder. How other people can live. I asked my malays colleagues around. They dont live alonE. Their kids sent to parents in law which saved them a lot. Their relative stay in same row. The nanny just next door.  Their Husband send and pick the kids to school / nanny.

School are indeed expensive. My children school are the cheapest I can find around nearest to my house. Its a full day dAycare for my younger 4 years old. And half day morning tuition class in the morning for my 10years old , lunch and the class send him to primary with van and pick him back at evening to the daycare.

Please I beg anyone just read properly my post earlier and give me a proper advise or ask a proper questions that I can think of a solution.

Seriously pdrm wao mca ... the end is all about money. Mca asked me to borrow money to get a lawyer. Borrow?? How do I repay? With left of rm380 not even include of foods.

Regarding studio. I never thought of it until I search for room prices are crazy. If in your situation, would you stay in a middle room with 1 or 2 kids?  Back home from school and hide in 4 small walls room . If you are a really a parents already, you would think if it will affect them?
From their luxury father why would I want to make the younger one suffer Along with me?
In my 1st post I did mention that(6).
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