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Non-custodial father in a dilemma

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asked on Dec 1, 2018 at 02:02
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edited on Dec 22, 2018 at 00:21
 
Just need some professional legal advice concerning on the non-custodial parent's rights.

To summarize on my case, my ex-wife has recently filed for a single petition to a divorce in which I have rejected and disagreed on. Upon further consideration on my child's well-being, I have later relinquished the custody over to her as it was quite disheartening witnessing my only child suffers.

I hail from Ipoh, whereas my ex hails from Johor.

Prior to our divorce initially, my ex has shifted out from the house without informing me and my parents. As such, we have made an agreement on the certain days of when we get to see the child, whilst she was still in Ipoh. It was only recently when she made an abrupt decision to return to JB, that left me in a dilemma as I will be deprived of time to meet my child often anymore.

To be precise, I am very much aware of the reason of why my ex has decided to discontinue our marriage, due to her change of lifestyle and needs, though she continuously accused me of being uncaring and unable to provide according to her needs (*lifestyle). I had no choice, but to ignore her accusations and to move on.

However, I found out that she had shifted in with another ex-colleague of hers without my knowledge in an apartment, but she denied of his presence earlier when being asked. I am not sure if they were in an affair, but she denied.

Recently in Dec, I have requested to spend time with my child in Ipoh, and hope she will consider my child's return for few weeks. But she kept giving reasons and only permitted me to meet the child for only a week instead. For your info, my ex has brought my child back since 3 months ago, and I barely get to talk to my child.

Hope you guys can share your thoughts on my questions below:

1) My child has lived comfortably with my parents since she was a baby, till this year where she will turn 4. Can I still file for a custody battle with her in future, and what would my winning chances be?

2) Is it legally wrong if did not name the exact destination of where I brought my child for vacation? OR do i have my own privacy and rights too as a legal father? I have informed my ex that I brought my child for vacation somewhere nearby Ipoh, but did not spell out the location. Is it wrong?
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answered on Dec 1, 2018 at 07:04
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edited Dec 22, 2018 at 00:25
 
You did not state whether the divorce was granted and if it was granted, what were the terms?
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answered on Dec 1, 2018 at 07:35
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edited Dec 22, 2018 at 00:33
 
Non professional legal advice
Just personal view

The answers to your questions are:
1.  Yes, you can file
2.  If you file for Fully Custody, your chances is ZERO %. Save legal fees.

 OR do I have my own privacy and rights too as a legal father?
You are just a  biological father.. You no longer have any legal rights..!!

but did not spell out the location. Is it wrong?
It is not morally wrong but legally wrong if she does not consent to it.
Who ask you to concede any custodial rights to this child during divorce?
What serious wrongs have you done to your ex spouse? You have beaten her up? or you have spend too much time on EPL Liverpool matches and made her a football widow? Continue to do so and you will lose any further access in the future to this child.

Read my case first before and understand fully if you want to ask me further questions.

https://www.lawyerment.com/answers/questions/11482/changes-variations-in-court-order-dipinda-agar?g=1

I appreciate human name, actual details, ages etc etc before I answer further new questions.
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answered on Dec 1, 2018 at 12:16
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edited Dec 22, 2018 at 00:33
 
Quick Question:

Is the Divorce Dekri Nisi Absolute out already? And I need quick answer..!!
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answered on Dec 3, 2018 at 19:05
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edited Dec 3, 2018 at 19:07
by   jeff005
How come no updates? No answers? Not interested to have proper legal access to your daughter?

If the Divorce Dekri Nisi Absolute is not out yet, there is still time to rectify the custody issue, unless you do not have the time to look after the child.
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answered on Dec 4, 2018 at 01:19
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edited Dec 22, 2018 at 00:39
 
My apology for the late response, as I have limited access to my mails those few days.

First, you can address me as KC, a working professional and am 38 years of age. Divorce case has been proceeded, where she has filed for a single petition herself with her engaged lawyer. Initially, I disagreed with her actions, but later consented as I did not want my child to suffer such situation at a very young age. To correct your assumptions, refer below:

1) There was no physical abuse or any affairs from me to my ex.

2) My ex often works late previously due to her work nature, and I was on a work assignment to Sadao, Thailand for 3 weeks each month for 6 consecutive months. This was direction demanded by my CEO that needed to be complied, or else, I had to be dismissed from work.

3) During my absence whilst outstation, my ex has been mingling around with a married lad (e.g. former colleague) and I suspect she have had feelings for him, with or without him knowing it.

4) She has shifted out from the house prior to Chinese New year (CNY), to a rented apartment without my parents or me realizing it until I invited her to join us for the pre-CNY dinner function with my family. She has planned all this well enough. I was unable to locate any evidences of her having an affair, but me and my Mom have witnessed them hanging out together in malls.

5) Initially, she commented that it was only herself in the apartment, but soon i realized there was this guy residing in the same apartment with her, and it was her former colleague. By then, we have not gone for any divorce proceedings as yet, as I was still holding a hope to coax and win her back. During that time, she has opted to care for the child full time as she has resigned from her former job, but I disagreed. So prior to our divorce proceedings months earlier, I have drawn a plan where I get to care for my child from Friday till Sunday, whilst she can occupy the rest of the timetable. By then, my child was already registered with a nursery in which she did not obtain my consent. However, I did opt to share the school fees payment with her, though she hesitated.

6) She has given all sort of excuses for the divorce, in which seems to be unreasonable. She blamed me for being calculative in terms of monetary commitment with family expenditures, but she was the one agreeing to every term stated earlier. Secondly, she harshly stated that there was no happiness throughout our 6 years together, but for the first 5.5 years, it was foreseeable moments of happiness where we have shared laughter, family trips, problem sharing, etc. She commented that my parents have not contributed much in caring for my child, but the question on hand, they are the ones taking care of the child while me and my ex were away at work. Moreover, they had to burn midnight oils to care for the child whilst awaiting for my ex to return from work at times, whilst i was away in Thailand.

7) Who would dishonour such family expenditure commitment, when both parties are working right? Moreover, she agreed to the sharing of expenses at the very early stage. Perhaps, she got envied witnessing her other friends depriving of such responsibilities, but that also depends if the husband was a high income earner too. And in this case, I barely survived with my monthly commitments.

8) I have not received any letter from the court yet, but I had contemplated about the custody battle with her initially. Due to financial constraint and in consideration to my child's well being, I had agreed to relinquish the custodial right to her, but with the condition that I get to see my child during school holidays and any other festive occasions within reasonable access. I succumbed into this decision when she threatened me of issuing a lawyer's letter to me stating I will lose either way in this battle.

Hope you can understand my situation here, and revert to me with your favorable response. Thanks.
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answered on Dec 4, 2018 at 01:34
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edited Dec 22, 2018 at 00:42
 
@vkpc,

The divorce was granted somewhere in early August this year, and I had initially stated some terms with the lawyer hired by my ex. The terms are to be able to gain access to my child during my school holidays and long semester breaks, alternate festive occasions to be shared with her, flexible access as and when I am in JB as long as it did not affect my child's and my ex's well-being and chores.

However, the lawyer has advised me to draft all these terms as "reasonable access", instead of drafting such long terms and conditions. Recently, I have brought my child to a family trip nearby in Malaysia, and she has questioned of where I had brought her to. Initially, out of privacy, I just told her that it was somewhere near to Perak without disclosing the destination, but she has threatened me again stating that the term "reasonable access" did not cover any overnight stay, in which I reckon was one hell of a bull****. I reciprocated to her that the overnight stay was reasonable as it was a school holiday and I have brought back to Perak to spend time with my family members which was acceptable. Then, she kinda harassed our privacy by stating that she will call my child everyday to check on her, but I believe she was afraid that my child would have avoided her presence when being with my family.

Now, I have brought my child to my ex, thought my child has shown resistance to be reunited with my in laws. My child is kinda close to my ex as she has always pampered her with many things, which includes succumbing to giving my child a phone for gaming when being pestered. When I educate my child by raising my voice tone a little and spanked my child once only after numerous warnings when I sensed a disrespect or mischief in her, she told my in-laws that I was venting my frustration on the child and that I was abusing my child. How silly, annoying and untrue such irresponsible statements she have uttered.

My family and myself were truly attached with this child, and I had plans of engaging in a custody appeal in future, as I am currently not financially stable.

Kindly advise on the probabilities or my chances to win my child back in future, and what should I be doing/practising now to be near to success.

Thanks.
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answered on Dec 4, 2018 at 03:00
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edited Dec 4, 2018 at 03:01
by   jeff005
Hi KC

The cooling period of 3 months is over. You have come here too late.

I suspect she have had feelings for him, with or without him knowing it. 
Forbidden fruit is always sweeter.

I get to care for my child from Friday till Sunday,
That is unfair practice, so the mother do not have weekends with her child?

My child was already registered with a nursery in which she did not obtain my consent. 
Your consent is not needed. 
Why can't the grandparents look after?
Your sharing of fees have given auto consent.

she was the one agreeing to every term stated earlier.
You could have been the aggressive spouse, how not to agree?

but me and my Mom have witnessed them hanging out together in malls.
What so many coincidences, you have been stalking her?

She commented that my parents have not contributed much in caring for my child
How much time her parents have contributed?

Who would dishonour such family expenditure commitment,
The Courts, the Divorce Judge. 

my child during school holidays and any other festive occasions within reasonable access
It is as good as no access now that you have found out.
It means that the mother could not be with her child during festive seasons when she is the legal custodian. Unfair practices.
Moreover after the divorce, you have committed violations of the reasonable access.
Reasonable access can mean just see the child, bring to parks, shopping, give moneys but no overnight access if the custodian do not agree to it. She is within the scope of her legal rights. You have no longer any legal rights when you have conceded custodian rights to the child.

when she threatened me of issuing a lawyer's letter to me stating I will lose either way in this battle.
You have be conned. You have lost the battle of wits to her.

Take note that I appear to be running you down. If you do not know your very own weaknesses, you will lose any fight for better access rights. No need to talk about Custodial Rights.(This is just my personal opinions). Her actions were well planned, well executed, signs of good lawyer behind.

and revert to me with your favorable response. 
There is no favorable response from what you have describe as above.
But all is not lost.  You have to set traps for the next 12 months and bid your time so that you may be able to get  fixed legal access  to your child in the future.

Get over the initial shock of losing your child, there will be more aftershocks down the road.
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answered on Dec 13, 2018 at 14:46
by  
Dear Jeff,

I thanked you for sharing your experiences and thoughts on my case. Here are my responses to the earlier queries:

I suspect she have had feelings for him, with or without him knowing it. 
Forbidden fruit is always sweeter.
KC : Maybe

I get to care for my child from Friday till Sunday,
That is unfair practice, so the mother do not have weekends with her child?
KC : She agreed to it. No force or aggresiveness, all down according to her voluntarily consent.

My child was already registered with a nursery in which she did not obtain my consent. 
Your consent is not needed. 
Why can't the grandparents look after?
Your sharing of fees have given auto consent.
KC : FYI, sharing of fees was prompted by me after she had done the needy registration with the nursery without my knowledge. She hesitated to receive the payment initially due to ego, but she gave in after much persuasion that i wanted to exercise my responsibility as a father too. My parents are ever ready to care for the child, but she hesitated. Her parents are located in Johor.

she was the one agreeing to every term stated earlier.
You could have been the aggressive spouse, how not to agree?
KC : Jeff, who was the daring and aggressive partner that shifted out from the house without prior notification? She has received advice from her ex-colleague (male) concerning the custody and plans of diminishing my legal rights.

but me and my Mom have witnessed them hanging out together in malls.
What so many coincidences, you have been stalking her?
KC: You overestimated my ability mate. First of all, I respected others' privacy and thus, stalking does not comes under my library contents. Secondly, if you are the type that favors a discounted price in milk powder, then you will definitely visit Aeon Big on 28th every month for purchases. And would it be that surprising if I too have witnessed my ex bringing her partner to pre-nursery concert for upcoming year's registration? All these were coincidental, and I wish I hadnt encountered it, but I did unfortunately.

She commented that my parents have not contributed much in caring for my child
How much time her parents have contributed?
KC: Since the birth of my child, we (*prior to divorce) only visited Johor twice a year, and the moment spent with them were less than a week. Just to state further, I brought my child back to Ipoh for a week's holiday as granted by my ex, though we asked for a longer duration, but was rejected with reasons. When i sent her back to Johor, my child hesitated to go with my ex's parents and kept on pointing fingers leading me out of the house. My child cried silently and my heart aches so much. My ex has intentionally left the house each time I took her, and sent her back home.

Who would dishonour such family expenditure commitment,
The Courts, the Divorce Judge. 
KC : We are in the 20th century now, and are gender rights are equal. Would it pose a risk or a concern if an employed husband request an employed wife to share a minor of the household responsibilities/commitments? When times are bad in terms of financial, partners should be understanding to shoulder the weights together as a family. Besides, she has agreed to a certain commitments that was discussed calmly with her, without hesitation or objection earlier. No force or aggressiveness was involved, it was based on her voluntary consent.

my child during school holidays and any other festive occasions within reasonable access
It is as good as no access now that you have found out.
It means that the mother could not be with her child during festive seasons when she is the legal custodian. Unfair practices.
Moreover after the divorce, you have committed violations of the reasonable access.
Reasonable access can mean just see the child, bring to parks, shopping, give moneys but no overnight access if the custodian do not agree to it. She is within the scope of her legal rights. You have no longer any legal rights when you have conceded custodian rights to the child.
KC : Jeff, before I consented to the divorce, I have written the terms of visitation rights to her lawyer and my ex to review through. My ex didn't speak much of that, but said that it is fair for us both to spend times with the child on an alternate routine for festive occasions in consideration that one parent is located in Ipoh, and the other in JB.
Correct me for misunderstanding the reasonable access term, does it involve "overnight" access? During the discussion with her lawyer, he did mentioned that such overnight was acceptable if both can come to a consensus. In this case, she agreed and that was why I signed the paper. However, her lawyer mentioned that instead of detailing so many visitation rights, why not just opt to writing it as "reasonable access" only, as long as me and my ex agree to it. You know what, sometimes I do regret signing the paper as it gives my ex the pleasure of taunting me with all the custody rights.

when she threatened me of issuing a lawyer's letter to me stating I will lose either way in this battle.
You have be conned. You have lost the battle of wits to her.
KC : Frankly, apart from the financial instability I was in previously, the other reason why I chose to relinquish the custodial rights was because I did not want my child to suffer further on this. No doubt that a child requires the mother than a father at this young age, that was why legal rights will always be bestowed to the mother lawfully. I know she acquired ideas/wits from her companions and I have let her win through me.

Take note that I appear to be running you down. If you do not know your very own weaknesses, you will lose any fight for better access rights. No need to talk about Custodial Rights.(This is just my personal opinions). Her actions were well planned, well executed, signs of good lawyer behind.
KC : Jeff, though your comments seem harsh, but I knew your intentions were well. My ex had planned all this well even before my family members could have suspected any fouls. My reputation with my in laws turned sour and unsweet, probably due to the critics my ex has smeared their minds with. Right now, I anticipate and am looking forward to that day where I can rightfully appeal for a legal custody of my child, but I am totally dumbfounded on the methods of how. Do i still stand a chance to fight over the custody? How many years from now am I only allowed to file a case, as my child just turn 4 this year. What are my chances like, and having said again, I am not a rich bugger that could afford such a costly lawyer fees. Are there any other alternatives or options for me? I hope you can shed some lights here mate. Thank you for your generosity.
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answered on Dec 13, 2018 at 14:50
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edited Dec 22, 2018 at 00:44
 
If lawyers can share your utmost advices, I would greatly appreciate it too. I am really lost and in a dilemma, crying silently in my heart when flipping through those nostalgic photos captured with my child and family. Those inexplicable sorrow had drowned me once before, and I am just slowly recuperating from such nightmare. Hope any kind souls out there could lead or guide me on the steps mandatory to be taken prior to filing for a custody appeal in future. Thank you for lending your ears, and may God bless you all.
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answered on Dec 13, 2018 at 16:16
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edited Dec 22, 2018 at 00:45
 
Just for clarification, I wasn't aware of such forum existence until numerous searches in webs this year. I wish I have had received more fruitful advices concerning custodial claims prior to my divorce, but I was all too late. But nevertheless, I will continue to strive in re-building myself as a whole in preparation for a better future to my child. Honestly, I know parental alienation is unavoidable at this juncture of time, but I will have to brave through my ordeal whilst awaiting for the right time to appears.
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