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Poor wife found husband having an affair (Single Petition Divorce)

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asked on Oct 22, 2018 at 13:25
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edited on Dec 12, 2018 at 02:12
 
I am a housewife for the past 2 years. I've resigned from my prospective career due to my son health issue. I guessed after being a housewife for too long, I've lost touch with the world. All I know is about my kids and household issues. I guess my husband thinks I'm too boring and also lost shape due to my second pregnancy that he get himself a mistress early of this year. 
 
I noticed their Whatsapp conversation on Father's day around June 2018. Then they even when to KL together lying that he gone there for work trip. I have some of their Whatsapp conversation but it’s in Chinese. And I also managed to video them holding hands when they are dating but the image is not clear. Can it be used as proof of adultery? I've also install GPS in his car. So there will be record on the date and time when he regularly go to a certain place or I can proof that on certain date and time he lied to me that he was somewhere but actually he is not. But I can't proof that he was with the girl. I had a few friends that helped me to tail him just a for a few times (because I have no budget to hire a Private Investigator). What my friend and I saw was that my husband and the girl merely went for a meal, played bowling, played snooker or they would stay in the car for 1-2 hours. But I remember his Whatsapp voice message got mentioned the girl asked him to go to her house and touched him but didn’t make love with him. I also have a voice recording of me and my husband's conversation when I revealed that I knew about his mistress. He did admit he had adultery but it was a very long recording. And it was not clear too. And also throughout that period I did not scold or yell at him even until the day I revealed that I knew about his affair. I talked to him nicely asking him in detail and what he wants. He is the one that keeps giving me attitude as if I owes him. Towards the end of the first conversation he lied every single words. Then I just told him I wanna divorce and he agreed then we head back to our room. He did not apologize nor feel sorry for what he did at all. Then we talked again saying a lot. He told me about the girl what they did but he didn’t admit they have sexual intercourse.

Then the next day my grandma passed away. I was busy with preparations for her funeral and I was crying whole day and was sicked. He didn't even say any nice words to me or any words of console. And that night he came to the funeral for awhile. I still worried that he might be bored so I asked him to go home first and also bring my son together. And he replied saying he wished to go to the gym (meaning he didn't want to bring my son home). I just walked away. I was speechless.

Then on the second day, I asked him nicely in the morning whether he could arrange to bring my baby girl and the maid to her mother's house. Then he started his attitude again saying you not working why can't you send them over instead and those sarcastic words. Then I burst in anger because I really was very heartbroken as I loved my grandma a lot. That was the only time I scolded him and yelled at him while crying badly. He didn't feel remorseful at all and flared up. And even broke our room door and told my maid to pack his luggage. He wanted to move out and end our marriage. I said fine I packed his luggage and texted him to picked it up.

My maid can proof that he was the one who raised his tone first then only I got angry. And this made me woke up from my dream that this guy is not someone I can be with for the rest of my life. When I was going through the worst moments of my life he was not the one who lifted me up but he trampled me more. For the past 4 years of marriage I've never asked him to do a single thing for me and this was the first time I needed his help because my mum also couldn't help me this round. Normally my mum was the one to helped me take care of my kids if I need help. Even when my son was very sicked I asked him to help fetch us to hospital he was always busy. It's either my mum, my sister or my friends who helped out. When I was sicked I wanted to go see doctor he also didn't help me to take care of my son for awhile. I've to fetch my son and my friend helped me babysit him in the car while I went to see doctor.

He was always busy, always no money, thus I've been very thrifty and always helping him whenever I could but he never appreciated me and said I never helped him. So I made an appointment with the lawyer for a divorce which he has agreed to. He also said that he would give his everything to me including his business, he said with the girl he feels no stress at all.
 
On that day he moved out I still worried about him and checked his GPS, he was at the seaside. I called him, asked him where he was and with whom and asked him to go check in at a hotel first it’s dangerous out there. He told me he was alone there with ghost (meaning that place got no people) then I called my friend to help check on him worrying he might do something silly. Guess what my friend told me... they were just behind him. And he saw the girl was with him. I was so disappointed. We’ve been together for 11 years until now he still trying to treat me like a fool. I couldn’t sleep whole night.

Finally at the law firm I thought we could finally end it. At the lawyer firm, I told them I didn't want to take everything from him, I just want the current house for us to stay, some cash and alimony. Then he suddenly changed his mind and said he needs time to consider. And he asked about my kids custody. Then he just left the law firm without paying too.  (In my previous post, I mentioned the lawyer advised us to do deed of trust for the property as I couldn’t get the transfer done because I’m not working thus couldn’t get a loan.)

After the funeral I told him let’s settle our divorce as I wanted to get on with my life. Then he cried and acted pity saying he didn’t want the girl. He said he already tried to break-off with the girl few times but the girl couldn’t get over him and kept look for him. But actually from his Whatsapp conversation, he was the one who couldn’t get over her. He wrote so much saying he was afraid to lose the girl. Then he said he would give me all his money and would listen to me, without my permission he won’t go out. Then when the time I ask him to transfer his money to me he signed an incorrect signature. Then the bank rejected. Then always go out even when I said could you please don’t go. And I also caught him going to a place where the girl would go exercise 2 times a day. He lied as usual saying he was at a gym. He knew that I’ve installed GPS in his car and he still treat me like a fool.
 
I’m very sure that me and my children will be better off without him by our side. So to answer some of the question being asked on previous post, I will not regret for my decision but of course I hope to get the best for my future and also my kids.
 
Sorry forgot to add on, when I dated him he was a 100kg fat and poor boy without a car. I was the one always encouraging him, gave him confidence, fetched him, helped him with his English, his work, and his business I also lent him money for start up. When he has some money he kicked me out of the company. Asked me to resigned as director and I was stupid enough to believe him and signed the form. And he didn’t even distribute profit or dividend to me. And I asked him for the money back he still didn’t want to return it to me.

Until recently when I owed bank then only he transferred the money to me. Previously he pretended to be broke and dragged my household allowances for 2 months. But in his Whatsapp conversation with the girl, he got RM30,000 for them to spend. I checked his credit card, they signed facial package RM1,500, dined at expensive restaurant. His son wanted to buy a slipper less than RM20 also he complained. He would always bring us to eat hawker food, economic rice. How can I still trust this man?

And to add on, my current maid was hired because he wants to have more time with the mistress. It’s mentioned in the Whatsapp conversation too. He said “be patient, the maid is reaching soon” to the girl. And he knew that I knew about his affairs but he just play dumb. And during these few months he scolded me every day. Whatever I do was not right, he would raise his tone to me all the time. So I tried to avoid him as much as possible.

Early morning I send my child to school then go to the gym downstairs. When he is about to leave for work only I go home. Night time he will enjoy with the girl, when we are about to sleep only he will return home.
 
Now he assumes I can go back to the life before, or maybe he is still playing dumb.
 
So below are my concerns:
 
1)   If he insists he doesn’t want to divorce, I can only go for single petition which will take about 2 years or longer am I right? Can I use adultery reason to file for divorce? Any ways I can settle it soonest possible? Or can I ask him to move out?

2)   My current house is under my husband & his mother’s name, how can I make sure me and my kids can live here till they grow up? Or he transferring the ownership to me?

3)   I’m 100% able to get the custody of my kids right?

4)   As for the alimony, I have bank records that he transfers RM7,500 to me monthly, RM5,000 as household allowance and RM2,500 from his company. This RM2,500 is not given to me. He will transfer it to his own bank account. The lawyer told me that I can use this proof to ask for RM7,500 monthly alimony. I know that he can appeal to reduce the amount of alimony or he can also pay for a year then he suddenly doesn’t pay. I can only sue him if the amount he owes me reaches the bankruptcy limit. I still don’t feel secure about this alimony thing. Too many loopholes right?

5)   Any other things I need to take note?

6)   Please advise me what I need to know about divorce.

7)   He once beat up the girl’s ex-boyfriend and I happen to tailed him that day, so I’ve recorded the incident using a phone. But the images wasn’t clear too. Will it be useful?

8)   Oh ya, my parents were divorced too. Will it affect my case?
 
Sorry for the lengthy post. 

Thanks in advance.
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 14:11
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 02:17
 
Personal Opinions (non-legal, non-intrusive)

I packed his luggage and texted him to picked it up.
On that day he moved out.
You have chased him out from the Marital Home with your maid as witness. What more to say?

Yours is a personal bad relationship with your spouse but in Family Court, it does not affect his chances of his child custody issues. In a worst case scenario, one child each (for your case). Didn't your the two lawyers advise you? Did you want to break up your the two siblings?

For your type of case, I would suggest you apply for a Judicial Separation, he moves out from the house and you do not need to see him so many times. Then only apply for divorce after you have gain independent financial ability.
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 14:30
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 02:17
 
So sorry to read your experience. 

I am confused, have you been officially divorced? You seem to have started receiving alimony but it does not look like divorce already taken place. 
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 15:00
by  
edited Dec 12, 2018 at 02:26
 
@Jeff,

You have chased him out from the Marital Home with your maid as witness. What more to say? 
But he was the one who said he wanted to move out. I was just granting his wish. But then he just moved out for a day then he came back and ask for forgiveness.

Didn't your the two lawyers advise you? Did you want to break up your the two siblings? 
They said kids normally will be granted to the mother. And the first one didn't really want to entertain me. Keep asking me not to divorce since I'm not at the favorable side. Then the other one said if I don't have adultery proof then can go for joint custody. I will not break up my kids. I've told my husband "think what is the best for your children, by snatching them away doesn't mean them good. Please think for them".

For your type of case, I would suggest you apply for a Judicial Separation, he moves out from the house and you do not need to see him so many times. Then only apply for divorce after you have gain independent financial ability.
Does this need his agreement with the separation or I need to apply and pending for judge approval? So my video of them holding hands can be used as evidence of him having an affair which makes it intolerable for me to live with him?

@Raj K,

I'm not divorced yet. Those were my household allowances.
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 15:06
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 16:11
 
towards the end of the first conversation he lied every single words.
How many thousand times have I told you not to exaggerate?

For the past 4 years of marriage I've never asked him to help me to do a single thing and this was the first time I needed his help
How many thousand times have I told you not to exaggerate?
He already driven the whole family to eat dinner so many times.

So to answer some of the question being asked on previous post, I will not regret my decision...
Then why you cried and couldn't sleep the whole night when he went to the seaside?

Then he just left the law firm without paying too.
The one who booked the lawyer pay la.
Imagine he buys a sports car and then asks you to pay, you like or not?

I've also installed GPS in his car.
This is not the right thing to do in a marriage.
No wonder he feels more comfortable with the other girl.

What my friend and I saw was that my husband and the girl merely went for a meal, played bowling, played snooker or they would stay in the car for 1-2 hours.
Why can't you go bowling and play snooker with him instead of talking about divorce each time?

...and his business I also lent him money for start up.
And I asked him for the money back he still didn’t want to return it to me.
I have bank records that he transfers RM7,500 to me monthly
Calculate back RM7,500 x 12 months x 4 years and you will see that you owe him money,
not he owes you money.  When are you going to pay him back?

And to add on, my current maid was hired because he wants to have more time with the mistress.
He gave you maid to help with the housework, instead of being grateful you find excuses to be an ungrateful person.

he also said that he will give his everything to me including his business.
Wow, he really is the best husband in the world.

I can only go for single petition which will takes about 2 years or longer am I right?
Any ways I can settle it soonest possible?
The lawyers forgot to tell you that Single Petition when contested can cost RM20k-RM50k, and there are no shortcuts.

Or can I ask him to move out?
He can ask you to move out anytime as the house belongs to him and his mother.

3) I’m 100% able to get the custody of my kids right?
Wrong. You have no job, no income and no house. ( shelter )
If the kids are boys, his chances of getting custody of the kids is 40%. You 60%.
If the kids are girls, his chances of getting custody of the kids is 30%. You 70%.
These estimates change if he tells the judge bad things about you, for example you have bad temper, you smoke and drink etc.

The important question is, who is in the wrong when the husband has an affair?
The husband, the wife, or the girlfriend?
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 16:06
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 16:30
 
How many thousand times have I told you not to exaggerate? 
I am not a person who likes to exaggerate. I did not exaggerate, if you do not believe you can come over to hear the recording yourself and how I expose him one by one till he got no choice but to speak the truth during the second conversation.

How many thousand times have I told you not to exaggerate?
He already driven the whole family to eat dinner so many times.

If driving the whole family for dinner is considered me asking a favour then everyday I cooking dinner for him is it consider a favor from me to him which he said he never ever asked me for help?

Then why you cried and couldn't sleep the whole night when he went to the seaside?
Did I said I was crying when he was at the seaside? I don't think so. Maybe you misunderstood. I couldn't sleep cause I feel myself so stupid for trusting a man for so long.

The one who booked the lawyer pay la. Imagine he buys a sports car and then asks you to pay, you like or not?
Take note that he was the one who said fine let's divorce and asked the maid to packed his luggage. And he himself agreed with the divorce and asked me to make the arrangement. But never mind. I'm not a petty person to quarrel over a few hundred bucks.

I've also install GPS in his car. 
This is not the right thing to do in a marriage.
No wonder he feels more comfortable with the other girl. 

I only installed it after he has an affair.

Why can't you go bowling and play snooker with him instead of talking about divorce each time?
How you know I didn't ask him for bowling and snooker? I guess you didn't read my post carefully. He has been saying he is super busy with his business since the day his business started. Busy till he couldn't even help me when I was sick. 

Calculate back RM7,500 x 12 months x 4 years and you will see that you owe him money, not he owes you money.  When are you going to pay him back?
He didn't gave me RM7,500 per month. He only gave me RM5,000 per month for household expenses, school fees, utilities, milk powder, diaper, gynae check up, medical fees, insurance for kids, food etc. Every month that RM5,000 is merely enough. Sometimes baby clothes and toys I pay using my savings. The other RM2,500 he just used my name as salary payment from his company. He transfers that money back to his own account. If you need a detailed calculation, I have an excel sheets that can proof to the judge that I do not gain a single cent from him if needed. For the past 2 years I've sacrificed about RM300,000 for not working and also my freedom, my life. Which when I'm a housewife, I'm suppose to work 24/7. 

He gave you maid to help with the housework, instead of being grateful you find excuses to be an ungrateful person.
I have been asking him to get a maid when I was pregnant. It was so tiring for me that time and he insists that no maid. But why suddenly when I didn't request, he offered  that let's get a maid? Maybe he was guilty for what he did to me but some how he had such conversation with that girl. Thus I rather believe what he said to that girl was the truth.

Wow, he really is the best husband in the world.
Can his words be trusted? By the time he really gave me everything I think is when I'm dreaming.

The lawyers forgot to tell you that Single Petition when contested can cost RM20k-RM50k, and there are no shortcuts.
Who told you the lawyer didn't inform me? He did mention to me roughly around RM30k.

He can ask you to move out anytime as the house belongs to him and his mother.
Yes, he can but why didn't he? Have you think about it? Why did he suddenly didn't want a divorce? He can proceed with the divorce and I'm a sure loser here if base on what you said.

3) I’m 100% able to get the custody of my kids right? 
Wrong. You have no job, no income and no house. ( shelter )
If the kids are boys, his chances of getting custody of the kids is 40%. You 60%.
If the kids are girls, his chances of getting custody of the kids is 30%. You 70%.
These estimates change if he tells the judge bad things about you, for example you have bad temper, you smoke and drink etc.

Well, let's see what bad things I have that he can say about. 

The important question is, who is in the wrong when the husband has an affair?
The husband, the wife, or the girlfriend?

When a relationship breaks down, both parties were at fault. You can't blame a single party but what if one party is trying hard to salvage while the other is unwilling to salvage whereas he goes out there to have fun and then comes back and says he regretted. Can I kill you then say I'm sorry please forgive me?
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 16:16
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 16:31
 
@vkpc, did she accuse you like the above? No wonder you signed the joint petition willingly. You have pleaded guilty as charged?
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 16:30
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 18:50
 
Does this need his agreement with the separation
No need.. just reasonable breakdown with relationship acceptable to the Court should suffice.
Free Legal Aid centers may represent you for Judicial Separation, but not Divorce.

In your case you should use a lawyer for Single Petition as your case is a bit too complicated with so many issues and you may be demanding too many things which the Divorce Judge may not give everything and it would be a highly contested divorce settlement. It may take more than 2 years. The moment you file for divorce, he needs not pay anything until the case is over. You can take it or not?

As for Self Representing, your emotions is still too high as you "new". You cannot cope up on your own. Not a straight forward case.

Read thru all the divorce issues under this section. I have penned many instances and cases that even after a proper divorce, the saga never ends. The Children are always the Losers... the lawyers will always be the winners. The spouse who gets the child / children will always be the loser at the very ending of the day. Those children may not follow them once they have grown up. You can be the 10%, but the risks are still too high to undertake.

I am not prejudice to him or her. I am advocating for the poor children  involved in custody battles.
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 16:44
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 18:55
 
if you do not believe you can come over to hear the recording yourself....
All your planning, scheming and recording will not work with the experienced family Judge.
Learn from jeff005 divorce case.
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 16:58
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 18:54
 
Why did he suddenly didn't want a divorce?

Because he didn't want the children to get hurt.
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answered on Oct 22, 2018 at 17:08
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edited Dec 12, 2018 at 18:57
 
No need.. just reasonable breakdown with relationship acceptable to the Court should suffice. 
Free Legal Aid centers  may  represent you for Judicial Separation, but not Divorce. 


I think this really suits my situation. Thanks for this advice. The lawyer totally didn't mention about this. But should I inform or discuss with my husband before I apply for the judicial separation?

The Children are always the Losers... the lawyers will always be the winners. The spouse who gets the child / children will always be the loser at the very ending of the day.
Totally agrees with you. Rest assure I will try my best to protect my children and give them the best that I can.

@Jeff, thanks a lot for your kind words and thanks for sparing your precious time to share with me your experience. Thank God for proving that there are still many kind souls out there. May God be with you.
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